Falling…failing…flailing
Is a lot like a roller-coaster ride. At least in my mind.
I feel that sometimes, the beginning of relationships to me (and I am not specifically only speaking of romantic relationships) just any pairing that would create a potential for someone to get to know me. It gives me a sometimes unbearable apprehension and I feel nothing but insecurities, nervousness and panic attacks. It’s like sitting on top of a roller-coaster, waiting for it to drop, so your heart anticipates the drop, maybe it will come, maybe it won’t, but its there. I never feel like it WON’T fall. So I wait, that’s what I do in my relationships, I wait for them to tire of me and then I wait for my heart to drop.
What is wrong with me. Do not suggest therapy. I hate it and I’ve tried it and I am very well capable of identifying why I have certain reactions or behaviors to certain situations or feelings. I know I have to make amends and I know my issues lay deep within my family and how I felt I was raised or how I perceived that I was raised. You have to be ready, you have to be at a point in your life where when you say what you want to say or how you are feeling that you are completely unaffected by ones reaction or response to that. I am not there yet. I feel like I would break again if I do not get the response I am expecting. And that is another bit to it. No expectations.
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