Today only
I have a bucket of fresh tears here.
I want to be in love.
But more egotistically - I want to be loved and adored by many people that I will never see. Because…that is what happens to me.
Because we want what we can’t have.
We want to touch what is not there.
We want to reach for the out of reach.
We want to desire the undesired.
We end up going for the ones that are completely wrong for us and passing by the ones that will truly and endearingly forever love us unconditionally.
Because we are the wounded and we are the hurt and pain makes us comfortable.
Fact of life
Remember kids…..
The longer you decide to wait before getting married, the less time you will have to be committed to the same person.
Polygamy is in. Monogamy is out.
Think about it.
Sheep in wolves clothing
I was washing the dishes, and as amazing in itself that was …I had a thought. That I wanted/needed to write.
I find that with sadness, anger, pain comes creativity and art. Not that what I am writing will be artistic but that’s just a little preface. Than I thought that I needed to apologize to my readers if my latest posts have seem drab or depressing, but what am I really apologizing for? Being myself? Being who I am? Having the emotions that I am having at that current time and needing to express them? So with that, screw it. No more apologies, no one is forcing you to do anything - so there it is….welcome to another glum post.
It’s rather debasing to chase after something that
1) never wants to be caught
2) you will never ever catch up with no matter how hard you’ve tried
I was thinking about my friend’s lives briefly….it hurts me. It hurts to see that we only want to touch the things that will burn us, it hurts me to see that we jump right back into it before we are fully mended. It hurts me because I do it too. Being able to find other people that relate to you in this sense doesn’t make you feel better, sometimes it makes me feel lonelier and sometimes, hopeless. Its a soap opera, all of it. If only both sides could jump into one anothers minds and swim around - so much would be revealed.
I think back a lot on how I wish I haven’t met half the people I have met. No, not because they ended up being assholes or crappy or losers. I regret meeting the ones I have cared for. I envy people with limited access to their emotions. I envy those with issues that are so grand, it limits their abilities to draw deep down and allow themselves to be vulnerable. Sometimes I just want to find someone who is willing to get hurt just as I am sometimes. I am not trying to paint this as saying that healthy relationships do not exist, I am merely being realistic. Regardless of the “healthy” factor in a relationship, someone is going to get hurt AT ONE POINT because we are all different creatures and we all have different levels of patience and we all have different sets of standards and expectations and styles of communication.
I would have been okay if he was the one to hurt me. I always feel more foolish caring about someone, than I have dating a loser that ends up using me or abusing me. I waiver between having a stubborn confidence to curling up and whimpering like a child.
Sometimes I am not willing to allow anyone to jump inside my head to swim around, sometimes I feel foolish for storing what I store in there. And by sometimes I mean all the time.
Maybe I lie a lot - to save myself from giving my heart to everyones glance. I hope that I am more than that. I hope that there is something to it all and I am not fabricating some idea motivated by the traumatized youth in me that just wants to feel like she can be loved for one time in her life.
It hurts me when people see things in me I can’t possibly understand. I am in a fun house and every mirror I look into shows the same ugly reflection. I am the only one that can see this, and I am fully aware. How much longer will it take before every last one of my thoughts is on board with the things my friends tell me that I am? How much longer will I hurt myself before I realize that its okay to be happy?
Idealease
A few things that I am proud of for 04 September 2008
1) I woke up early (6:00am) to go jogging/walking. Granted just 1.5 miles. But dude. It was still dark out!
2) I put on my clothes for the day and I actually don’t feel disgusting
3) I killed, scooped up, and threw out a ginourmous roach, all without flinching, turning away or shrieking.
Next:
The Xtina is going to take over the world!
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