Finding me again
Some people deserve an explanation, others don’t.
You are one of the ones that don’t.
I’m disappointed in myself but I will limit my dwelling to a few days. After that, it’s me brand new again.
Tired of getting lost and wrapped up in such superficial things, tired of allocating so much energy to something that means nothing in the whole scheme of my life.
I wanted to explain to you, connect, let you know how it was I was feeling. You didn’t care. This is where I step away.
I freakin’ love music
Been working on a playlist, will be bound to change but for now enjoy!
I’m the real Dane Cook yo.
I’m not going to pretend that I watched the movie, I just understand the synopsis. Had I actually seen the movie, I probably wouldnt admit to it still.
But in Good Luck Chuck, apparently Dane Cook sexes up ladies and then they get hitched shortly after.
I feel my own version of the movie unraveling except - I lack the Dane Cookesque appeal and of course I am not sexing up any men or any ladies.
Perhaps I just am running into men that are constantly throwing darts at an imaginary dartboard of relationships. Maybe we are coming into a new age where men seem more like the propellers of relationships and women less so.
At least in my flock of very available attractive single fems in their 20’s I find that though all of us want that ooey gooey mushy stuff, we can only stomach it for as long as a commercial break. We mainly just want the copulating, maybe some cuddle, but definitely the coital. Meet the Kittehs in the Citeh. We don’t like the fuss, we don’t like the emotional drain and we don’t like the games. Most of us flinch at the idea of a relationship and when a guy is interested in us, we find ourselves running away.
I was told that perhaps I am too intense and as a result all others pale in intrigue and lack that vigor that I find myself drawn to. I really just think that people are mainly just boring, not boring but we are all self absorbed.
A few times now I have met someone, went out a handful of times or perhaps just one time and then weeks later they are suddenly amidst a relationship.
I think to myself, whoa nelly that kid works at super speeds and other times I think, was this gentlemen charming me while he was charming someone else in the background? Regardless I obviously wasn’t drawn to them or they to me or I would have been the bulls eye.
This coincides with a cheesy article one of my friends stumbled upon, or maybe she was searching for cities to live in for singles. Either way - it feels everyone is looking for something. Maybe going out with me brings you that one step closer to finding your bulls eye.
I’m available during the week. My weekends are saved for the city.
Today only
I have a bucket of fresh tears here.
I want to be in love.
But more egotistically - I want to be loved and adored by many people that I will never see. Because…that is what happens to me.
Because we want what we can’t have.
We want to touch what is not there.
We want to reach for the out of reach.
We want to desire the undesired.
We end up going for the ones that are completely wrong for us and passing by the ones that will truly and endearingly forever love us unconditionally.
Because we are the wounded and we are the hurt and pain makes us comfortable.
Idealease
A few things that I am proud of for 04 September 2008
1) I woke up early (6:00am) to go jogging/walking. Granted just 1.5 miles. But dude. It was still dark out!
2) I put on my clothes for the day and I actually don’t feel disgusting
3) I killed, scooped up, and threw out a ginourmous roach, all without flinching, turning away or shrieking.
Next:
The Xtina is going to take over the world!
waiting…
to appear.
Would be nice when I finally stop waiting and live. Would be nice to stop wanting and just appreciate.
Maybe I have been okay. I just don’t know what its supposed to feel like.
lightshiningroad
lightshiningroad, originally uploaded by Christina Lam Photography.
On my way to work..I had a few thoughts. I always have thoughts but at this time I was driving. To work.
One day I truly believe that the roads I travel often…will finally take me to a new destination. The scenery has to change someday. I don’t feel like I need to change paths, I don’t feel like I need to detour, I just know that one day…I will be somewhere I had never been before.
It makes me nervous, it makes me scared. We all have been hurt before, its something that you can try your hardest to avoid. I know I do.
But maybe its just knowing that you always come out just okay. Maybe knowing that will make you less fearful of your discoveries.
It’s exciting to get to learn something new about yourself everyday.
Oh to be scared and excited at the same time.
Bday clip from my bday dinner
Not everyday you run into great people and then be friends with them. It’s not everyday that all your friends love your other friends. I am a really lucky person.
I had one of the best birthdays that I have had and I was turning 27!
We went out to this tex mexi place called Mia’s off of Lemmon. Food was good but what was soooo awesome was all the people that showed up and the presents I got.
I had the best time. I have all my pictures posted on Myspace and Facebook from all the partying if anyone is interested.
Thanks everyone for all the birthday hugs, kisses, wishes, presents, dinners, cheers. I appreciate each and everyone of you and I am really lucky to have you guys in my life!
You make things better.
Weeeee
Photographs and brightly colored paper
Maybe I should look into myself more often. Maybe I don’t like weak people, or emotional people because maybe I haven’t accepted those traits to be of my own…not yet.
It upsets me to a degree, that I am not there yet. I get quite impatient with my shortcomings and sometimes I dismiss them altogether as to not address them.
I think the lesson I am being taught unconsciously is to be. Whether its nice, or mean, or evil, or bitchy, or funny, or crying, or in love.. to just be it. Because that is more real than anything else. I am scared though and I am trying so hard to hold onto something that probably just isn’t even there. I am going about it all wrong. It has nothing to do with the things I say, if I say something with a cute smirk or if we both point out coincidences. I think he wants me to look into my mirror and feel nothing but complete happiness and contentment. I know I will get there and it will require a lot of growth. I even feel that it’s not even about pretending to be confident or appearing confident. I think it’s okay to be insecure, it’s okay to not like your nose or your short temper. The key being that it’s perfectly ok. No one is expecting or requiring or asking anyone to be free of shortcomings, what is being hoped for me ( I can only assume ) is that I embrace it and enjoy it and make it my own and not be afraid to show people everything that is me, even if its not the norm, even if others may perceive it as a weak, or crazy, or irrational but to not excuse all things that are me.
NO MORE EXCUSES. For my instability. hah.
http://www.myspace.com/joshuaradin
Now everyone is out there touching my stucco wall
For the most part, I generally don’t do “favorites”. I might have a lucky number, or a favorite color for the time, or album, or food. But many don’t fall into my favorite movie category, mainly because I have a horrendous memory and the things I should remember, I don’t.
I hope to remember this movie.
If not, I am okay watching it again. I also hate watching movies more than once generally unless many years have passed.
This one is fantastic, its beautiful. The characters were not overly in your face. They weren’t trying so hard to convince you, or force you to feel one way or the other. I felt so emotional watching this movie, even listening to the music brings me back to the emotions I felt when I was watching it. You ended up loving each and everyone in the movie and you wanted to only the best for everyone. There were such powerful scenes, frame by frame each shot was done beautifully. I loved it. I really did/do. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and I hope you get something out of it.
This song below is greatness.
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