Mayer makes me sad
Every now and again the girly needy part in my seeps out and I embrace it. I hate that I wish you’d want to talk to me or see me as much as I feel like I do sometimes.
Maybe sometimes I just want to feel important above everything else.
Dumb. I know.
whaaaat you say?
Yeah. That is my nephew and this is an example of a baby that is actually cute and not just saying that because he is related to me. Because if anyone knows me, being the same blood doesn’t make me like children anymore. I still don’t care for them. I think he knows, because when I try to pick him up he immediately starts crying.
I took some pics this weekend of my nephew and of my preggo sister. Even though she doesn’t want me showing everyone, I still might - just to get pointers since its my first preggo picture session ever.
Guitar Hero Bike
Finding me again
Some people deserve an explanation, others don’t.
You are one of the ones that don’t.
I’m disappointed in myself but I will limit my dwelling to a few days. After that, it’s me brand new again.
Tired of getting lost and wrapped up in such superficial things, tired of allocating so much energy to something that means nothing in the whole scheme of my life.
I wanted to explain to you, connect, let you know how it was I was feeling. You didn’t care. This is where I step away.
I freakin’ love music
Been working on a playlist, will be bound to change but for now enjoy!
I’m the real Dane Cook yo.
I’m not going to pretend that I watched the movie, I just understand the synopsis. Had I actually seen the movie, I probably wouldnt admit to it still.
But in Good Luck Chuck, apparently Dane Cook sexes up ladies and then they get hitched shortly after.
I feel my own version of the movie unraveling except - I lack the Dane Cookesque appeal and of course I am not sexing up any men or any ladies.
Perhaps I just am running into men that are constantly throwing darts at an imaginary dartboard of relationships. Maybe we are coming into a new age where men seem more like the propellers of relationships and women less so.
At least in my flock of very available attractive single fems in their 20’s I find that though all of us want that ooey gooey mushy stuff, we can only stomach it for as long as a commercial break. We mainly just want the copulating, maybe some cuddle, but definitely the coital. Meet the Kittehs in the Citeh. We don’t like the fuss, we don’t like the emotional drain and we don’t like the games. Most of us flinch at the idea of a relationship and when a guy is interested in us, we find ourselves running away.
I was told that perhaps I am too intense and as a result all others pale in intrigue and lack that vigor that I find myself drawn to. I really just think that people are mainly just boring, not boring but we are all self absorbed.
A few times now I have met someone, went out a handful of times or perhaps just one time and then weeks later they are suddenly amidst a relationship.
I think to myself, whoa nelly that kid works at super speeds and other times I think, was this gentlemen charming me while he was charming someone else in the background? Regardless I obviously wasn’t drawn to them or they to me or I would have been the bulls eye.
This coincides with a cheesy article one of my friends stumbled upon, or maybe she was searching for cities to live in for singles. Either way - it feels everyone is looking for something. Maybe going out with me brings you that one step closer to finding your bulls eye.
I’m available during the week. My weekends are saved for the city.
Today only
I have a bucket of fresh tears here.
I want to be in love.
But more egotistically - I want to be loved and adored by many people that I will never see. Because…that is what happens to me.
Because we want what we can’t have.
We want to touch what is not there.
We want to reach for the out of reach.
We want to desire the undesired.
We end up going for the ones that are completely wrong for us and passing by the ones that will truly and endearingly forever love us unconditionally.
Because we are the wounded and we are the hurt and pain makes us comfortable.
Idealease
A few things that I am proud of for 04 September 2008
1) I woke up early (6:00am) to go jogging/walking. Granted just 1.5 miles. But dude. It was still dark out!
2) I put on my clothes for the day and I actually don’t feel disgusting
3) I killed, scooped up, and threw out a ginourmous roach, all without flinching, turning away or shrieking.
Next:
The Xtina is going to take over the world!
waiting…
to appear.
Would be nice when I finally stop waiting and live. Would be nice to stop wanting and just appreciate.
Maybe I have been okay. I just don’t know what its supposed to feel like.
lightshiningroad
lightshiningroad, originally uploaded by Christina Lam Photography.
On my way to work..I had a few thoughts. I always have thoughts but at this time I was driving. To work.
One day I truly believe that the roads I travel often…will finally take me to a new destination. The scenery has to change someday. I don’t feel like I need to change paths, I don’t feel like I need to detour, I just know that one day…I will be somewhere I had never been before.
It makes me nervous, it makes me scared. We all have been hurt before, its something that you can try your hardest to avoid. I know I do.
But maybe its just knowing that you always come out just okay. Maybe knowing that will make you less fearful of your discoveries.
It’s exciting to get to learn something new about yourself everyday.
Oh to be scared and excited at the same time.
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